Monday, July 1, 2013

"The Tiger Mom" - 16 Signs of a Harsh Parenting

16 Signs of a Harsh Parenting

Too Strict For Your Own Rules?
Ever heard the name Amy Chua? She is the author of a book titled "The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother". The book is quite astonishing the world of parenting. In this book, she tells how to discipline her own daughters in a very extreme way. Yelled at them with the word "garbage" because they weren't polite in front of the guests, threw birthday greeting cards handmade by her own daughters because it wasn't good enough for her, forbade her children to stay at a friend's house, and couldn't accept if their score wasn't an "A". She applies very strict rules and regulates all things in children's lives. Other stories what she did with his two daughters were pretty scary and made her earn the title as "tiger mom".

"The kids really want to make their parents proud of them.
They always worried about the parental approval.

So, when the regulations against child are getting too hard,
the result is going to make the children so frightened
and make them difficult to decide on something.

They realize that they will never be able to meet the wishes of the mother,
so they never even want to try. "

Elizabeth J. Short, PhD,
professor of psychology at Case Western Reserve University

Here are 16 signs of a harsh parenting on children:

1. There are so many rules, even too many!
How many rules that you applied to a child?  
"Too many rules is a sign that the child's parents are too strict.
Having rules is good thing, but if too many rules and impose everything,
is certainly not a good thing.
Better for doing some basic rules and cultivate a consistent basis,"

Nancy Darling, PhD
professor of psychology at Oberlin College

2. Exaggerated threat
Saying that "I'll burn all your toys" ​​or "Do you want to get expelled from the house?" wouldn't work. Because if the child says, "Yes!", then all the parents could do is stepping back and reducing the threats. Empty threats like that will make them to behave more naughty than before. When parents knew that they made mistake and retreat, it's a problem, because the child wouldn't believe any longer what his parents say.

3. The rules you made exceed the limit 

"Parents can and should set rules that applies the child in school,
facing other people, and about maintaining the security of the child.
Rules regarding safety and morals are things that can be done.

But the rules regarding personal issues
(choice of musical instruments to be played),
not the right thing for the parents are taken care of, "
Nancy Darling, PhD

Of course it's not a simple matter of what is private and what concerns safety or morals. It's always been such a debate and perspective thing whether it's a moral-safety thing or it's a personal matter.

4. "Infinite love" (through words)
Use motivational words and conditional words instead of harsh words. "Mama love you, and Mama wants you to behave....." or "Mama knew you could do better than that" sounds better than "You are such a trash, if you couldn't sit still!". It isn't just how you say it, but what it said is also important. Despite setting a tone as smooth as anything, the wording also had a big influence.

5. Not paying attention to children's words
Pay attention to what they said, please don't hurt or make the children feel discouraged

6. Never have time 
When you're asking a child to do something difficult, try to work with them rather than act like dictator. One sign of supervised good parenting is to allow time for the children and being there for them.

7. Always being a "police", "monitor", or "alarm reminder"

"Every day, your tasks like reminder alarms,
and it became the only communication with the child,

it could be that you are one of the 'tiger mom',
parents who are too strict with their own rules,"

Ron Taffel, PhD,
a psychologist at New York and author of Childhood Unbound

8. Not taken into account by the child 
If the relationship with the child feels more and more distant, he will no longer want to talk to you, even for critical issues. It could be a sign, that you are too tense to him. 

"You can win the game, but lost in the wars.
You managed to make your child do the rules,
but they are so afraid of you, they do not dare to communicate with you."
Ron Taffel

9. Children don't want to invite friends to the house 

"Children want the rules, and all children will be attracted to the rules in the house,
but if you spend the time to remind the child about the rules,
criticize children in front of other children,
and asking too many questions out of curiosity,
your child will begin to cease to invite friends to the house .

That means you are a parent that is too tight.
If there is a friend who asked to play again children in your home,
and dare to communicate with you, it means your home is very pleasant, "
Ron Taffel

10. The child is seen, but not heard 
In the 21st century, the children are already familiar with social networking, from BlackBerry Messenger, Twitter, Facebook, and others. This is evidence that children love to be heard. Parents that are too tight will not let his son speak his mind. You do not have to always agree with his opinions, but let the child express his thoughts.

11. Always working, studying, doing assignments, never played
Children need time to relax and have fun to absorb whatever they learned. If they contain the ability, knowledge, and information that they couldn't use it in daily life, their brains will end up like a sponge that absorbs knowledge without digest it. Just because they are told to learn, it doesn't mean that they could actually digest it. It's like eating without chewing the food.

12. The other parents don't do the things that you do
When no other parents doing the same thing like you do with your rules. For example: you don't allow internet access to children. Too curious with other parents doing with their children and always want to find out what they're doing with their children, then comparing it to your own children could be also big problem. 

13. All prohibited
Advised not to encourage anything to children, but also not prohibit them. For example, "Mama doesn't want you to do this for some reason. But if you still do it, due to Mama's concerns, I'll be watching you frequently."

14. Rules are rules, they shouldn't be questioned why
You must always have clear rules, consistently, to create a kind of estimates, expectations, but there is also space for a particular situation can only damage the rule.

15. Being authoritarian, not authoritative 
There is a difference between being authoritarian and authoritative. Authoritative parents prepare clear expectations and can be very hard on the children, but they also had warmth and thought the best thing for the child. While the authoritarian parent said, "My way or you go!" Authoritarian parent likes to control and not very warm. Authoritative parents who know how to control children according to age.

16. Cold as ice
"Nobody cares if the parents are very firm so long as they are warm. Problem is when the parent firm and cold". Well, if you do not want to come in the category of "Tiger Mom", change the way to educate your child and give space for children to develop to become themselves. Being explicit, bold, firm and discipline are good, but still become a warm personality for them and should not be authoritarian.

Source:, 22nd February 2011


This article should be seen like a reference. Parenting is indeed one of the most toughest job in the world. There will be no school, that teach how the best way of raising kids. How we should handle our children, it depends on the situation and condition of environment and child's personality, also which community that we're dealing with (country, school, social-economy, government, etc.). Some way didn't work, some way did work for others. But the bottom line is, it's important to always consider how we handle our children wisely and not crossing the line, that leads to violence or trauma (physical and psychological). That all we do is not just punishing them for nothing. Make them understanding there's some rules in certain place, that need to be followed. It's for child's sake - which is prepare them to face the real world, solve the problems in their community, and represent themselves as one human being. Don't win the game and lost in the wars! Kind of ironic, right? Good luck!