EASTERN PARENTING
VS
WESTERN PARENTING
Despite our squeamishness about cultural stereotypes,
there are tons of studies out there showing marked and quantifiable differences
between Chinese and Westerners when it comes to parenting.
In one study of 50
Western American mothers and 48 Chinese immigrant mothers, almost 70% of the
Western mothers said either that "stressing academic success is not good
for children" or that "parents need to foster the idea that learning
is fun." By contrast, roughly 0% of the Chinese mothers felt the same way.
Instead, the vast majority of the Chinese mothers said that they believe their
children can be "the best" students, that "academic achievement
reflects successful parenting," and that if children did not excel at
school then there was "a problem" and parents "were not doing
their job." Other studies indicate that compared to Western parents,
Chinese parents spend approximately 10 times as long every day drilling
academic activities with their children. By contrast, Western kids are more
likely to participate in sports teams.
CHINESE & WESTERN PARENTAL MIND-SETS
There are three big differences between the Chinese
and Western parental mind-sets:
First, Western parents are extremely
anxious about their children's self-esteem.
They worry about how their children
will feel if they fail at something, and they constantly try to reassure their
children about how good they are notwithstanding a mediocre performance on a
test or at a recital. In other words, Western parents are concerned about their
children's psyches. Chinese parents aren't. They assume strength, not
fragility, and as a result they behave very differently.
For example, if a child comes home with an A-minus on a test, a Western parent will most likely praise the child. The Chinese mother will gasp in horror and ask what went wrong. If the child comes home with a B on the test, some Western parents will still praise the child. Other Western parents will sit their child down and express disapproval, but they will be careful not to make their child feel inadequate or insecure, and they will not call their child "stupid," "worthless" or "a disgrace." Privately, the Western parents may worry that their child does not test well or have aptitude in the subject or that there is something wrong with the curriculum and possibly the whole school. If the child's grades do not improve, they may eventually schedule a meeting with the school principal to challenge the way the subject is being taught or to call into question the teacher's credentials.
If a Chinese
child gets a B—which would never happen—there would first be a screaming,
hair-tearing explosion. The devastated Chinese mother would then get dozens,
maybe hundreds of practice tests and work through them with her child for as
long as it takes to get the grade up to an A.
Chinese parents
demand perfect grades because they believe that their child can get them. If
their child doesn't get them, the Chinese parent assumes it's because the child
didn't work hard enough. That's why the solution to substandard performance is
always to excoriate, punish and shame the child. The Chinese parent believes
that their child will be strong enough to take the shaming and to improve from
it. (And when Chinese kids do excel, there is plenty of ego-inflating parental
praise lavished in the privacy of the home.)
Second, Chinese parents believe that their kids owe
them everything.
The reason for this is a little unclear, but it's probably a
combination of Confucian filial piety and the fact that the parents have
sacrificed and done so much for their children. (And it's true that Chinese
mothers get in the trenches, putting in long grueling hours personally
tutoring, training, interrogating and spying on their kids.) Anyway, the
understanding is that Chinese children must spend their lives repaying their
parents by obeying them and making them proud.
By contrast, I
don't think most Westerners have the same view of children being permanently
indebted to their parents. My husband, Jed, actually has the opposite view.
"Children don't choose their parents," he once said to me. "They
don't even choose to be born. It's parents who foist life on their kids, so
it's the parents' responsibility to provide for them. Kids don't owe their
parents anything. Their duty will be to their own kids." This strikes me
as a terrible deal for the Western parent.
Third, Chinese
parents believe that they know what is best for their children and therefore
override all of their children's own desires and preferences.
That's why
Chinese daughters can't have boyfriends in high school and why Chinese kids
can't go to sleep-away camp. It's also why no Chinese kid would ever dare say to
their mother, "I got a part in the school play! I'm Villager Number Six.
I'll have to stay after school for rehearsal every day from 3:00 to 7:00, and
I'll also need a ride on weekends." God help any Chinese kid who tried
that one. Don't get me
wrong: It's not that Chinese parents don't care about their children. Just the
opposite. They would give up anything for their children. It's just an entirely
different parenting model. All decent parents want to do what's best for their children. The Chinese just have a totally different idea of how to do that.Western parents try to respect their children's individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they're capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away.
Amy Chua is
a professor at Yale Law School and author of "Day of Empire" and
"World on Fire: How Exporting Free Market Democracy Breeds Ethnic Hatred
and Global Instability." This essay is excerpted from "Battle Hymn of
the Tiger Mother" by Amy Chua, to be published Tuesday by the Penguin
Press, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. Copyright © 2011 by Amy Chua.
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