HUMOROUS MUSICAL QUOTATIONS
JS. BACH
"You want something by Bach?
Which one, Johann Sebastian or Jacques Offen?"
Which one, Johann Sebastian or Jacques Offen?"
Victor Borge (b. 1909), Danish-born American musical humorist
"There's no reason we can't be friends.
We both play Bach. You in your way, I in his."
We both play Bach. You in your way, I in his."
Wanda Landawska (1877-1959), Polish concert keyboardist, to a rival (attr.)
A quarter note walks into a bar.
He sees a dotted half note and says to her:
"Baby, you make me whole"
BAD MUSIC
"There is a lot of bad music in every age,
and there is no reason why this one should be an exception."
Harold C. Schonberg (b. 1915), American music critic,
in the New York Times (March 26, 1961)
"Of course the music is a great difficulty.
You see, if one plays good music, people don't listen,
and if one plays bad music, people don't talk."
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900), Irish playwright and novelist
"There are more bad musicians than there is bad music."
Isaac Stern (b. 1920), Russian-born American violinist
ADVICE
"When a piece gets difficult, make faces"
Artur Schnabel (1882-1951), Austrian pianist,
giving advice to fellow pianist Vladimir Horowitz
AUDIENCE
"Flint must be an extremely wealthy town:
I see that each of you bought two or three seats."
Victor Borge (b. 1909), Danish-born American musical humorist,
speaking to a half-full house in Flint, Michigan.
Furtwangler was once told in Berlin that the people in the back seats were complaining
that they could not hear some of his soft passages.
''It does not matter,'' He said, "they do not pay so much."
Neville Cardus, British music critic, in The Manchester Guardian (1935)
J. BRAHMS
"If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted, I beg his pardon."
Johannes Brahms (1833-97), German composer, on leaving a party of friends.
COMPOSER & COMPOSING
When I was young, people used to say to me:
"Wait until you're fifty, you'll see.... I am fifty. I haven't seen anything."
Erik Satie (1866-1925), French composer.
"My music is not modern, it is only badly played."
Arnold Schoenberg (1874-1951), Austrian-born American composer.
"In order to compose,
all you need to do is remember a tune that nobody else has thought of."
Robert Schumann (1810-1856), German composer.
"That's the worst of my reputation as a modern composer.
Everyone must have thought I meant it."
Igor Stravinsky (1882-1971), Russian-born American composer,
on a misprint in one of his scores.
"Ah, Mozart! He was happily married but his wife wasn't."
Victor Borge (b. 1909), Danish-born American musical humorist
"Rossini would have been a great composer ,
if his teacher had spanked him enough on his backside."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827), German composer.
"[Stravinsky's music is] Bach on the wrong notes."
Sergei Prokofiev (1891-1953), Russian composer.
CONDUCTOR & CONDUCTING
"Can't you read?
The score demands con amore, and what are you doing?
You are playing it like married men!"
Arturo Toscanini (1867-1957), Italian conductor, to an orchestra.
PIANIST & PIANO
" I always make sure that the lid over the keyboard is open before I start to play."
Artur Schnabel (1882-1951), Austrian pianist,
asked the secret of piano playing.
"When she started to play,
Steinway himself came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano."
Bob Hope (b. 1903), American comedian
"I never practice, I always play."
Wanda Landawska (1877-1959), Polish concert pianist.
"I'm a concert pianist.
That's a pretentious way of saying: I'm unemployed at the moment."
Oscar Levant (1906-72), American actor, composer and pianist, in An American in Paris (1951).
A PIANIST, SINGER & AUTUMN LEAVES
A pianist and singer are rehearsing "AUTUMN LEAVES"
for a concert and the pianist says:
"OK. We will start in G minor and then on the third bar,
modulate to B major and go into 5/4.
When you get to the bridge,
modulate back down to F# minor
and alternate a 4/4 bar with a 7/4 bar.
On the last A section go into double time
and slowly modulate back to G minor."
The singer says: "Wow, I don't think I can remember all of that."
The pianist says: "Well, that's what you did last time."
FINDING THE RIGHT KEY
Q: "If you were locked in a room with only a piano,
how would you get out?"
A: "Play the piano until you find the right key."
PIANO PLAYER GOT ARRESTED
Q: Why was the piano player arrested?
A: Because he got into treble.
TEACHER
"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils."
Hector Berlioz (1803-69), French composer.
VIOLIN
"You see, our fingers are circumcised,
which gives it a very good dexterity, you know, particularly the pinky."
Itzhak Perlman (b. 1945), Israeli violinist,
replying to a comment that so many great violinists are Jewish.
ADVICE
"When a piece gets difficult, make faces"
Artur Schnabel (1882-1951), Austrian pianist,
giving advice to fellow pianist Vladimir Horowitz
AUDIENCE
"Flint must be an extremely wealthy town:
I see that each of you bought two or three seats."
Victor Borge (b. 1909), Danish-born American musical humorist,
speaking to a half-full house in Flint, Michigan.
Furtwangler was once told in Berlin that the people in the back seats were complaining
that they could not hear some of his soft passages.
''It does not matter,'' He said, "they do not pay so much."
Neville Cardus, British music critic, in The Manchester Guardian (1935)
J. BRAHMS
"If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted, I beg his pardon."
Johannes Brahms (1833-97), German composer, on leaving a party of friends.
COMPOSER & COMPOSING
When I was young, people used to say to me:
"Wait until you're fifty, you'll see.... I am fifty. I haven't seen anything."
Erik Satie (1866-1925), French composer.
"My music is not modern, it is only badly played."
Arnold Schoenberg (1874-1951), Austrian-born American composer.
"In order to compose,
all you need to do is remember a tune that nobody else has thought of."
Robert Schumann (1810-1856), German composer.
"That's the worst of my reputation as a modern composer.
Everyone must have thought I meant it."
Igor Stravinsky (1882-1971), Russian-born American composer,
on a misprint in one of his scores.
"Ah, Mozart! He was happily married but his wife wasn't."
Victor Borge (b. 1909), Danish-born American musical humorist
"Rossini would have been a great composer ,
if his teacher had spanked him enough on his backside."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827), German composer.
"[Stravinsky's music is] Bach on the wrong notes."
Sergei Prokofiev (1891-1953), Russian composer.
CONDUCTOR & CONDUCTING
"Can't you read?
The score demands con amore, and what are you doing?
You are playing it like married men!"
Arturo Toscanini (1867-1957), Italian conductor, to an orchestra.
PIANIST & PIANO
" I always make sure that the lid over the keyboard is open before I start to play."
Artur Schnabel (1882-1951), Austrian pianist,
asked the secret of piano playing.
"When she started to play,
Steinway himself came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano."
Bob Hope (b. 1903), American comedian
"I never practice, I always play."
Wanda Landawska (1877-1959), Polish concert pianist.
"I'm a concert pianist.
That's a pretentious way of saying: I'm unemployed at the moment."
Oscar Levant (1906-72), American actor, composer and pianist, in An American in Paris (1951).
A PIANIST, SINGER & AUTUMN LEAVES
A pianist and singer are rehearsing "AUTUMN LEAVES"
for a concert and the pianist says:
"OK. We will start in G minor and then on the third bar,
modulate to B major and go into 5/4.
When you get to the bridge,
modulate back down to F# minor
and alternate a 4/4 bar with a 7/4 bar.
On the last A section go into double time
and slowly modulate back to G minor."
The singer says: "Wow, I don't think I can remember all of that."
The pianist says: "Well, that's what you did last time."
FINDING THE RIGHT KEY
Q: "If you were locked in a room with only a piano,
how would you get out?"
A: "Play the piano until you find the right key."
PIANO PLAYER GOT ARRESTED
Q: Why was the piano player arrested?
A: Because he got into treble.
TEACHER
"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils."
Hector Berlioz (1803-69), French composer.
VIOLIN
"You see, our fingers are circumcised,
which gives it a very good dexterity, you know, particularly the pinky."
Itzhak Perlman (b. 1945), Israeli violinist,
replying to a comment that so many great violinists are Jewish.